A Therapist's Reflection: From Trauma to Growth

The story of Annie’s break up and heartache

The end of a relationship, especially if it is not initiated by you, can feel like a mini death that gives a sharp electric shock to the very core of one’s being. As human beings, relationships help us find who we are, connect us to each other, give us a sense of meaning and purpose, and ground us to routines which structure our day or week. Losing someone you love can therefore feel very painful. Time slows down. Our minds can endlessly torture us by perpetually reliving all our many regrets, blaming ourselves for what went wrong, and replaying the memories of happier times with our former partner.

Annie, not her real name, felt that she had lost part of herself when Ben broke off their engagement as he had met someone else. Her heart ached. Her eyes were raw from crying. Her emotional pain was physical and real. Friends tired of listening to Annie. Casting herself as a victim, Annie endlessly told them the same woeful tale; she believed that she had lost everything and would never meet anyone as good as Ben. Such was her grief that she had to take compassionate leave from work because she could not sleep and was unable to focus. Drowning in sadness, she felt so disorientated because not only had she lost Ben but also her future hopes and dreams. All her friends were engaged or living with someone, and many had plans to marry.  In contrast to them, she felt so alone. Yearning for Ben, she had to fight herself not to call or to message him. Although her friends were angry with Ben, and feared that he may have been unfaithful, Annie still saw him as the perfect man and felt she had lost the love of her life.

In Annie’s mind, the breakup with Ben came to represent all her failures in life and was proof that she was not enough. It was as though she had regressed to a dark time when she was a teenager, and the world seemed so dull, bleak and hopeless. Life felt like an empty space of nothingness. Aching for his return, she felt her whole life was on pause. Never had she felt so depressed and broken.

One day, Annie reached out for help. Reading from various sources that therapy could help alleviate her pain, accelerate her personal growth and help her to learn from past relationships, she decided to take the plunge. In therapy, Annie spoke about her feelings and was heard deeply. After a while, she realised that the sadness she felt was also tinged with anger at herself mainly- but also at Ben. Maybe she had tolerated far too much? Perhaps he was not the ideal man, she thought he was. To process this anger, she went for long walks and started to see the world without Ben through new eyes. Before long, she realised that nature was healing. The green canopy of trees, the soft ripples of the local river, the songbirds’ chorus created a whole new world around her- uncontaminated by any association with Ben. Walking regularly outside and breathing in the cool air felt refreshing. At times, she could allow herself to feel happy to be alive. Without even realising it, she was becoming fitter and healthier. Looking back on the relationship with Ben, she learned that she had neglected her own needs and self-care. With a shock of insight, she realised that she had seen herself through his eyes, and only seen her value in relation to him, and thus she had lost her identity. In therapy, she reviewed her other romantic relationships and realised that none of them had met her needs. In fact, she had made huge compromises which had made her unhappy.

The story that she had created about the relationship with Ben was now radically different. Once a victim, she now was becoming more of a protagonist in her life. As her self-esteem rose, she decided to revise her C.V, and apply for a new job and a promotion, which she gained. Feeling more confident, she developed new interests, and her social circle widened. Now her diary was full. Time seemed to be passing more quickly. As her personal growth increased, she could take more risks and be independent. Booking a solo holiday to Greece was not something she had ever thought she could do, but she did it and loved every second. Freedom was great!  In a strange way, she had fallen back in love with herself and now reflected that anyone who did not appreciate her was not the person for her. It was as if she was reborn, stronger, better and wiser. Looking back on the end of the relationship, she discovered that Ben had helped her along the path of growth, and she no longer mourned the end of their relationship but had accepted it. The quality of her life now was better than her life with Ben had been. Ironically, now she was in a better place to meet someone new-because she liked who she was and where she was going in life. The biggest gift she gave herself was the gift of time to work on building her strengths, addressing her weaknesses, and living in greater alignment to her values.

Flash forward to a year after Annie and Ben broke up. Annie has now started her own business, is preparing to buy her own home, has a great group of friends and has started dating. Her breakup with Ben has become a story about finding her own sense of self love and acceptance rather like the journey in this poem by Derek Walcott:

Love After Love

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart…

There is no growth like the growth which can follow heartbreak. Post traumatic growth is characterised by telling a new story, fostering a different relationship with yourself, seeing the world through new eyes, learning new things, and embracing the energy of change which will drive you forward- beyond your wildest dreams.