Friends

Is it ‘I get by with the help of my friends?’ or ‘with friends like these who needs enemies?’

1.Why friends are important to us

Our close friends form a loving connection with us which is often forged when we find ourselves at the same juncture in life. For many people, our friends mark key rites of passage in our lives.

For example, we make friends at school, or at university, or work, or at the school gates collecting our children. Our friends share those funny stories which might start with, ‘Do you remember when you got kicked out of Chemistry class for nearly setting your thumb on fire?’ Or even, ‘Do you remember that time two girls you were dating turned up together at the same café to meet you?’ Or maybe, ‘Do you remember when Billy’s teacher caught you doing his homework for him?’ Friends form a collective memory of who we were at a single point in time; they are like the living breathing albums of snapshot photos. Given that they know our shared history, it can be refreshing to update a close friend on our latest news- without having to give context, or full background because they already know our life story.

2. Shifts in friendship

However, the very fact that our friends share our lives is painful, if the friendship becomes more distant, or people find themselves in a very different position from their friends. For example, if someone moves away, or separates from their partner, or has a child with a disability.  If the ability to meet someone where they are at with empathy and acceptance dissipates, a person can feel very alone.

3. Friends give us perspective

Good friends will support us through the tough times with loyalty, acceptance of difference, and suspend judgement. All of us have blind spots, especially when we are having a tough time. A friend may offer a different, clearer perspective on life when we find ourselves stuck in the murky bog of our problems. We can trust a friend to keep a confidence and to act in accordance with our highest good. Ideally, a friend can balance honesty with tact, reason with emotion, forward planning (to organise time together) with spontaneity.  A friend can provide the comfort of a warm, mohair blanket. They accept our failings and forgive but have the high self-esteem to know their worth and value, and the ability to balance giving with receiving.

4. Criticism - a threat to friendship

There are threats to friendship though. Personal criticism can kill a friendship, especially if it is delivered in a volatile and dysregulated way. People will remember tone, and how they felt to receive the criticism long after the actual message has been forgotten. Giving constructive feedback is a skill requiring careful thought on how a message will be received. If you need to give someone feedback, make it short, centred on a specific behaviour that someone can fix, acknowledge the intention of a friend, and allow space for their response. Crowding someone with too much criticism will just result in that person feeling overwhelmed and shutting down and the likely end of a friendship. Never give someone a long list of all their faults and failings-this can feel like being audited and found wanting. Losing a friend is a painful experience because we love to bond and connect with each other. If a friendship ends, there may be feelings of grief, sadness and anger, but we need to have the grace and dignity to wish that person well and be grateful for the time we shared together.

5. In friendships we can repeat familiar patterns

Sometimes we repeat familiar, relational patterns in a friendship. If someone is the eldest child in a family, they might find themselves feeling overly responsible in a friendship or acting like a big sister, or even a mother, with their friends. This could feel patronising to someone. Middle children might possibly feel neglected, unheard, or overlooked and some might feel a need to rebel to get attention or feel subject to low self-esteem. This could mean that a friend needs to provide reassurance and validation, which could be exhausting. If someone is the youngest child, they could potentially be super sociable, enjoy risk taking, like being the centre of attention, expect to be taken care of and these factors could impact on a friendship dynamic and be frustrating for someone who wants their share of the attention and focus.

At other times, we may repeat patterns of behaviour in a friendship because we are triggered by past trauma. This could mean not being able to separate what has happened in the past with the present, leading to a disproportionately strong reaction to something. For people who have experienced childhood neglect and abuse, there could be a very understandable lack of trust in people, and a habit of hyper vigilance to any signs of rejection. Such people might have an insecure attachment style and need regular reassurance that the friendship is valued and that they are enough. This could lead to a friendship dynamic where one person could feel anxious and insecure, and the other worn out from providing consistent reassurance. Alternatively, other people might avoid a close friendship as they cannot trust it and feel more comfortable keeping people at a distance. Some people might choose to break off a friendship themselves, anticipating that the other person might leave them. By taking control, they hope to minimise the pain of potential abandonment. This kind of behaviour could feel confusing or unfair to someone who is broken up with who has not experienced childhood trauma.

Working in therapy can help someone become aware of their relational style and unhelpful patterns. With greater awareness we can make wider choices about how we operate in relationships.

6. Being open to new friendships

Ideally, it is a good idea to cherish long standing friendships whilst being open to new friendships. New friendships can be stimulating and help us discover previously hidden parts of us. As we move forward in our lives, meeting new people can help foster our continued personal growth.

7. Golden rules in friendships

I. Accept your friends with love and empathy, even for their faults and especially if they are different from you. Be encouraging and kind and respectful.

II. Be present for your friends but own your limits.

III. Work on raising your self-esteem as valuing yourself will help you to create positive relationships with your friends. Be enough for yourself as well as others.

IV. Reflect on any unhelpful relational patterns you may wish to change and work on them with a counsellor.

V. Avoid depending on your friends to give you therapy. They may not be trained and may not be confidential.

VI. If a friendship ends, acknowledge and be grateful for what you once had and allow the other person to go in peace. Wish them well.

 VII. 

Be open to new friendships, we are always learning and can learn so much from new people.