How does it feel to be yearning for a relationship but single? Perhaps you walk along the street and are exposed to loving couples holding hands, seemingly blissfully happy, or couples in restaurants gazing deeply into each other’s eyes, and look enviously at those receiving red roses and Valentine cards with a pang of loneliness…It is easy to glamorise being in a romantic relationship when you are single, and or have had a recent break up.
Feeling alone might lead to a susceptibility to over idealise an ex and nostalgically yearn for that past connection as you pour over past photos of happier times when you were in Paris for a long weekend, or on holiday somewhere hot basking in radiant sunshine. Your social media magnifies the perception that everyone on the planet is in a relationship and living their best life in a riot of excitement, accompanied by an orchestra of colour, laughter, and fun.
You might question why you find yourself single, again. Alone. Again. And sigh and feel a painful sense of disappointment that this was not how you wanted your life to look. Temporarily, perceiving yourself as missing something special or being lacking in some way, could lead to a decline in your confidence and self esteem. A therapist can help you to see things through a different lens to propel you to make positive changes in your life.
And yet…Being single can be a gift. A gift to seize the day and use opportunities for growth and personal development. For example, you might choose to reflect on what went wrong in the past relationship with your ex and resolve to take that learning forward. Imagine seeing a fast-moving stream in the landscape of your life. Every relationship is a stepping stone on that stream, enabling you to cross that stream, orientating you more closely towards the right person.
Crossing a stream on stepping stones conveys an image of life being about movement and flow. We are all in the process of becoming who we genuinely want to be, and our past relationships were markers for our growth and learning at a particular point in time. Seeking therapy to help you process past heartaches and be open to new learning about yourself and others could make travelling across those stepping stones a smoother, potentially faster, and less painful process.
Maybe, being single could mean more time to spend with friends and family - building those important bonds. Some people might start a new hobby, travel, or challenge themselves in a new way, discovering previously overlooked aspects of themselves. In short, seeing being single as an opportunity and a gift, and actively working on yourself in therapy, will help clear any stagnant energy and allow a new space for personal growth. Through this process of personal development, you will position yourself more favourably to meet the right person. Ask yourself if you would want to date you, and if the answer is a negative one, there is scope to work on yourself, and become the best version of who you are.
Fast forward to a time when you are now in a settled relationship. It is easy to have high expectations of your partner and to expect them to meet all your needs. But is this fair? In a relationship, our learning journey continues and it is vital to address your own needs in different ways. For example, as well as spending time with your partner, it is important to nurture relationships with friends and family, be open to exercise, pursue interests which make you happy - encompassing joint hobbies and also individual ones.
Couples benefit from valuing their time together and engaging in a variety of planned activities and dates to maintain a sense of novelty. These days, couples don’t just explore therapy when in crisis, but look to having counselling support to enhance communication, and to prevent serious ruptures; to prepare for significant life changes, for example having a family, moving overseas, or preparing for retirement. (Incidentally, couple counselling is more effective when each person in the couple has their own therapist to work on their own issues). On a subconscious level, we choose a partner because of unfinished business in our own childhoods. Given this magnetic pull, we could seek a partner who is different from us, and maybe on some level we want to be like them?
Potentially, a supportive intimate relationship can provide a place for healing. However, close relationship can also be challenging sometimes because it can throw a spotlight onto our own flaws and shortcomings and insecurities. Having therapy will help boost your levels of self-awareness, and emotional intelligence and could enhance your ability to build a better relationship.
Finally, consider the life of St Valentine. He was a priest in the third century in Rome who was thrown into prison and tortured for marrying young soldiers and their beloved ones in secret, at a time when the emperor had outlawed marriage for soldiers. Another story about St Valentine is that he helped Christians escape from Roman prisons. Whilst in prison, St Valentine sent a letter to his jailor’s daughter, signing it off with ‘From your Valentine’. St Valentine’s life was lived in accordance with a sense of service to community and principles. Maybe this gives us all food for thought - whether we are single or in a relationship to consider how we might be there for our communities and widen our experience of being able to give and receive love.
Comments