A Therapist’s Reflections: When your biggest critic is yourself…

The problem

Do you have a critical inner voice which rejoices in destroying your self- esteem? Flash back to the past. Imagine you are back at secondary school and the teacher returns your test papers. For a milli second, you rejoice in the fact that you have passed, but then that spikey voice in your mind cuts you down with, “It was only a scrape pass. If only you had studied harder and managed your time better. Not only are you stupid but badly organised as well.”

Suddenly, you visibly shrink and feel shamed feeling that you are useless. Maybe that critical voice sounds like one of your parents, or a teacher who did not like you much, or your old boss- or another authority figure. Although that critical parent, teacher or boss may no longer be someone you see daily, you have recreated their voice and internalised their ability to judge and shame you.  Consequently, you could become perfectionistic, risk adverse, constantly check things because you fear trusting in yourself, and live in fear of exposure and humiliation. In short, if the inner critic is unleashed and vocal your life can end up feeling miserable and disappointing.

However maybe in your more reflective moments, you may ask yourself why you listen to such a critical voice, and why you give it power over the way you feel about yourself? Never judging anyone else as harshly as you judge yourself, you wish you could control that critical inner voice. If only you could control the barrage of self-criticism. Maybe at times, you have resigned yourself to a lifelong jail sentence shackled to this harshly critical voice.

Finding a solution

But one day, you decide that enough is enough. You want to become the hero of your own life and want to break free from the hell that your critical voice has created. Deciding that you need some support, you call a qualified therapist to help you work on limiting the impact of the self-critic and boosting your self-esteem.

Over the course of the therapy, together with your counsellor, you work on finding where the inner self-critic originates from. Having understood this, you explore ways to challenge that critical voice and debate with it. Perhaps you use creative techniques in reducing the impact of this part of you by representing it differently; for example, by giving the self-critic a name, or dressing it up in a theatrical outfit. Maybe you explore some ‘inner child’ work, healing the more fragile and vulnerable parts of you… As your confidence increases, enjoy your successes and can be proud of your strengths, without having your achievements belittled by that critical part of you.

By the end of the therapy, you have a different relationship with that critical voice, and maybe a little empathy for it. No longer does it dominate, no longer does it shrink your world, and no longer does it collude with you to live in shadows. You emerge from the work, more optimistic, knowing yourself more, and able to enjoy your life and celebrate your successes. Now you can live life feeling stronger, with your head held high, feeling whatever life throws at you -you have the self-belief to transcend the difficulties.