Situationships from a psychological perspective

Self-esteem

As a therapist, I work with clients who want to develop high self-esteem. With high-self-esteem we:

• commit to self-care-including keeping ourselves safe and prioritising health, including emotional and sexual health;

• keep healthy boundaries and are assertive;

• know our worth;

• avoid self-loathing and self- criticism;

• see mistakes as opportunities to redirect energy towards personal growth;

• can be confident internally and not allow external unrealistic ideals of beauty, on social media-for example, erode our self-worth;

• have goals and believe we can achieve them; and

• act in accordance with our values, even when these differ from those around us.

Often how we behave in situationships reflects the way we see ourselves and our relationship with ourselves. Are you compromising on self-esteem to settle for a situationship?

A question of power

Do situationships reinforce dominant power structures in society?

Situationships may be reinforcing patriarchal structures in reducing sex to a transaction where one party is like a commodity to be consumed- without necessarily being treated in a humane way. It is all about convenience and what suits in the moment, but this could be painful afterwards.

situationships-from-a-psychological-perspective

In a situationship, a woman, or a sensitive man, may suppress any inclination to make what might be perceived as a demand for attention, time, a chat, or a date because they do not want to appear ‘needy’. Therefore, there is likely to be a degree of masking or suppression. Meanwhile, the more dominant person is likely to be the one who cares less, is more confident and feels less guilty about temporarily seeking physical and probably emotional support. Is one party more likely to accept the terms of a situationship because they are hopeful it may become a relationship? And if so are they deceiving themselves?

Someone who is more emotionally vulnerable or insecure may well feel used, or dispensable or disposable. There is no real physical or emotional safety because there is no commitment, nor accountability, nor agreement on exclusivity. Therefore, someone could be left, abandoned and replaced at any moment. Someone responding to a situationship’s uncertainty in an anxious way - by fawning or freezing in an intimate situation- might engage in sexual activity that they regret afterwards.

Situationships may create drama. What happens if the person who has been with you in a situationship is out and about in public with another person? Could this create conflict and an intense feeling of betrayal, even if there has been no agreement for exclusivity?

Are the highs and lows of a situationship addictive?

For some people, accepting a series of situationships could be part of a bigger picture of picking partners who are emotionally unavailable. Sometimes, anxiously attached people select partners who are avoidant of commitment. Many of us enjoy the fantasy element of a situationship-it is like limerence- the person you want is just out of reach, or available at some times, and not at other times- so there is both uncertainty and ambiguity. This can be highly addictive as it is unpredictable.

Can you resonate with this cycle?

• There may be painful longing for a text, a phone call, or time together. This can be all consuming and take up time and head space. You may stare at your phone and be hyper vigilant to the expectation of contact. You have fantasies about what will happen when you meet.

• There is euphoria when a text appears or there is an arrangement to meet- or you may casually bump into the situationship person on a night out. Intimacy may follow.

• You feel numb the morning after. Despair, guilt or shame may then ensue. There may be difficult questions along the lines of why am I not enough? Why won’t he or she commit to me?

• The cycle then starts again.

Questions to ask if you are stuck in a situationship.

1. What are the facts about the situationship? How often do I see this person? In what context do I see them?

2. What do I gain and what do I lose from being in the situationship?

3. How do I feel about the situationship?

4. Am I being myself in the situationship or am I masking?

5. Am I idealising the object of my affections?

6. Can he or she meet my needs or are they avoidant?

7. Do I compromise on what I want to be in the situationship?

8. What do my friends think about the person I am involved with and their impact on me?

9. Do I have a healthy balance of interests, friends and activities independent of the situationship?

10. Would therapy with a professional help support me?

Ultimately you have the power to determine the course of your life. It is easy to fall into a situationship, without having considered fully how you might feel if the scenario continues for a long time. Only you can decide what is best for you and align your actions accordingly. Although walking away from a situationship could be painful short term,  could this create more time and space for a stronger relationship with yourself?